Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize