yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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