The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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