Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
