You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
