At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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