Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
