Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
