yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
