Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
