Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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