My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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