pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize