Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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