Already got asked if we're dating
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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