Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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