I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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