dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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