Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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