Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
