I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
