Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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