i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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