Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
