I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
