I feel great
I just peed on a car
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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