i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
