apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
