I just saw a hot homeless man
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
