I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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