Sponge bath it is.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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