The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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