my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
