i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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