My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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