What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
