I accidentally had phone sex last night
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Dicks are not precious.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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