I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
