just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
