the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
