Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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