i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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