She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize