I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
