I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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