my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The struggles of a small town man whore
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
