Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
