I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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