Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
