i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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