Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
