There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
