i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
