maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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