you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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